I choose to be happy!

So, here I am writing another post...


I've been getting a bunch of feedback from friends/family/etc. about my ex who I wrote about in this exact blog three years ago who just recently got engaged. I'm writing this because I want to put this out there for everyone to see...


I can honestly say I am extremely happy for him! I have no ill-will towards him or her. He was my best friend before we started dating and even though we don't talk anymore and it's sad (actually really sad) that I also lost a best friend in the process, I'm happy that he was able to find the one he thought was right for him.


The truth is, I wasn't what he wanted and we broke up. Obviously, if you read my first post (which most of you have) you'll know he completely broke me as a person. But through all my chaos I found a guy that has stood by me through everything. I never lied to him about my feelings and I told him multiple times that I wouldn't even date me if I was in his shoes! Yet, he stayed by my side and put all my broken pieces back together!


I've really never met someone as determined, smart, loving, and passionate as my wonderful husband, Zack!


When he proposed, it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me! He first caught me off guard when he randomly mentioned he wanted us to go horseback riding. Most of you probably don't know this, but the first time we went horseback riding (Zack's first time ever) he was in so much pain towards the end and all the way in the car! We later found out he had a hernia and needed surgery! So hearing him say he wanted to go horseback riding again (especially after the first time was such a nightmare) caused my inner red flags to raise and get suspicious! However, I told myself maybe he just wants a redo since the first time was so bad!


Anyways... we went horseback riding at Wilson's Creek in Temecula. It was absolutely gorgeous and relaxing. I felt like I was in a different country! However, Zack planned a 2 hour horse ride. For someone that doesn't ride horses very often... riding for 2 hours straight causes your legs and butt to hurt! A LOT!!! So, to put it lightly, I was wanting off the dang horse towards the end! I actually almost ruined Zack's engagement surprise because I was really starting to feel it! But being the good girl that I am, I sucked it up and didn't ruin his surprise (now if we would've rode for another 5-10 minutes then that would've been a completely different story).


When we finally came to the entrance of the winery, I saw the manager taking photos of Zack and I. I remember thinking that's the weirdest thing EVER! Who does that, right? But then I thought more about it and was like OMG.. she's a genius! Everyone wants photos of themselves riding a horse (or doing w/e) and if you're like me, you hate always having to go up to people to ask them to take your photo! What I didn't know was she was capturing photos for us because Zack was going to propose (sneaky, sneaky). So when we finally got off the horses, I needed to use the restroom ASAP (which worked in Zack's favor). The manager said Zack was going to go setup and she'd take me to use the restroom. Instantly, an alarm went off and I was like, "setup? What would he need to setup? OMG.. he's going to propose! What do I say? How do I look?" You know all that internal dialog going on in your head and then trying to calm yourself down because you tell yourself he's NOT going to propose! How can you draw that conclusion when he hasn't given you that impression AT ALL! I


I told myself, knowing Zack, he probably just planned a romantic dinner with a chef or something. So after I got out of the restroom, the manager told me to walk down the path and I'd find Zack. I started walking and there were steps that went over this creek with tons of flowers. It truly was gorgeous!! Then I see this photographer hiding in the bushes taking photos of me. I'm like what the heck is going on? I start walking down the stairs and see Zack standing there with three dozen roses in a vase behind him, a path of rose petals and candles leading up to where he is, and I hear the song 'One Step Closer' that's played in the Twilight movies. Instantly, I start crying and I stop walking! I'm staring at Zack literally moving at a snails pace! I see him smiling and teary eyed! I eventually make my way over to Zack and he gets down on one knee! It seriously was the perfect scene out of a movie! He tells me a bunch of sweet things (most I don't remember because it all seemed so surreal) and asked me to marry him. He later told me he was worried that he had made a mistake because I stopped walking and took FOREVER to reach him. Of course, I said yes and we celebrated with Almond Champagne (which the winery was known for), edible arrangements chocolates, photos, etc.! It is one of the happiest days of my life and a memory I will cherish forever.


Now tell me, why would I be worried about my ex getting engaged? By him not wanting to be with me, I ended up finding the sweetest, kindest, thoughtful guy around who thinks the absolute WORLD of me!!


I'll leave you with this...

"It's not about having the perfect  relationship. It's about finding someone who will be there through everything without giving up"

Live Life to the Fullest

Hello Again! I decided I would start this bad boy up again even though it's been what, three years since my last post? What can I say? I'm tired of using the good ol' pen and paper method and thoroughly enjoy writing so figured I'd start this up again and make a post every week. So, you may be wondering what's new in my life?


Well... I have these two amazing little maltipoos (Kali and Moe) even though I'm pretty sure Kali is a yorkipoo and the pet store sold us the wrong breed! Yes, I was one of 'those' people that bought a puppy from a pet store! To this day, I still feel bad about not adopting an animal from a shelter since there are so many out there that need loving homes. But if you knew me from when I was younger, then you'd know I never thought I'd have ANY animals. I used to constantly tell my parents I would NEVER EVER EVER have any animals! At the time, I couldn't understand why I had to take care of something I clearly never wanted.  I hated taking them for walks, cleaning up their poop, etc. Now, my two little dogs have me wrapped around the finger! They bring me so much joy and love! It's crazy how an animal can truly love you unconditionally.


Speaking of love, I got married five months ago to an amazing person! I've honestly never met anyone in my life that is as supporting as he is! We are alike in many ways but then completely different in other ways so he complements me pretty well. He is the person I mentioned in my post three years ago that I was dating at the time! Who knew we'd end up staying together and married! It's crazy how life works out! 


Let's see.. I no longer live in Missouri and have been living in San Diego for less than two years! And I must say San Diego is probably the prettiest city in the whole U.S! It reminds me a lot of Hawaii but you can drive a couple hours away to get snow (if you want it)! I'm not sure what my living arrangements entail for the future though. I've recently been reading other peoples blogs and it's been truly inspiring for me! I used to have a dream of owning a beautiful home but now I want to do more living! I don't want to be tied down to one particular place.


As most of you know, I've always led my life down the straight an narrow. I went to a private university straight out of high school. I graduated HS and college with honors! I took 18 hour credits/semester my sophomore and junior year and received a 4.0 GPA. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do after college so instead of graduating a year early I stayed with the traditional four year path.  I got a pretty good job right out of college. I did one interview while in college and was told I had the job so I didn't apply anywhere else. I paid off all of my college loans ($33k + interest) in 2.5 years. I have four car payments left before my car is officially paid off (which I bought brand new). I can count on one hand the number of times I didn't follow down the straight and narrow path. I've always done exactly what was expected of me. Maybe that's the curse of the first born? I don't know. What I do know is I'm not living this life to the fullest. I don't want to just sleep, work, rinse, repeat. I want to start living and traveling to see the world. I don't want to wait until "I retire" to go out and explore. There's so much to see and do! No one is guaranteed they'll be here tomorrow or the next day. We don't know when our time will be up but I do know that I don't want to settle! I don't want anything that'll tie me down to one spot. I don't want to follow what is perceived as the 'American dream'. Shoot, we are the only developed country that doesn't require an employer to pay one day of vacation! Isn't that crazy? Most countries have a minimum of 4 weeks! Yup, that's right... 4 weeks!! For now, I'll leave you with this.

"The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience" - Eleanor Roosevelt

'What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’

 

Hello Internet World!

       Today marks my first blog I’ve written EVER unless you include Xanga (which was way back in the day & I don’t really consider it Blogging). But anyways…as many of you know I’m not one to openly express feelings. I’m what you may call a confider and I like to bundle all my inner feelings. Sorry in advance if this blog has random things thrown in together. But a lot has happened in my life and I’ve started reflecting where I was, where I am, and where I may be one day.  I have many things in my life that make me extremely happy. I have a wonderful family, I graduated college, I have a good job, and some awesome friends but I always think about the ‘what ifs’ in life. As many of you know I recently got out of a six year relationship (well maybe not recently but it still feels like it just happened the other day since we were together so long). A few of my close friends know the specific details but basically when it happened it all seemed so surreal.  We lived together, bought a house together and I was pretty sold that he’d end up being ‘the one’. But how do we ever truly know if someone is ‘the one’ or not? I’ve always been a firm believer in if you want to make things work (regardless of the situation) you fight for it. And I have always and will continue to live by that philosophy. I feel like today, it is so easy to just let go/move on when things get tough. People today don’t really want to put in the time and effort into a relationship to make things work.

       So to start ‘MY’ story off I’d say my world was turned around when I met a guy in 2006 at Worlds of Fun (of all places, right?). We were complete opposites... I was heavily involved with sports and school whereas he was more involved in music/band/television shows. Funny thing is, he was my supervisor at the time and I didn’t pay any attention to him. He actually was one of the few supervisors that were there to train me at my first real job and at that time I would’ve never expected that he of all people would have such an impact on my life. To make the story short, he convinced everyone that we worked with to put in a good word for him and they exclaimed that I needed to give him a chance because he was a great guy. On the third or fourth time he asked me out, I finally decided to say ‘Yes’ and from then on out we were inseparable. We spent every weekend together that we could. On the weekends, I’d visit him at his parent’s place at the ‘Cave’ or so his brother called it. Once I graduated from college, all we could think about was living together and so we got an apartment a few weeks before I graduated. We were so happy and in love. We’d go grocery shopping together, cooked together (or well maybe I was the one that actually did the cooking and he did the dishes), we’d try to go on nightly walks, and we’d cuddle up and watch all our favorite TV shows together. Basically, we loved each other and were happy and decided we wanted to buy a house where we could eventually raise a family together. So, you readers, right now, may be thinking if everything was so great why did you guys break up?

Now I don’t want you to think we didn’t have our issues because we did just like every normal couple. We’d have our mini arguments here and there but things started to build and build and build.

       From my point of view, I started feeling like he couldn’t stick up for me when it involved his parents, his job already took priority over me, and we started arguing more once we bought the house (which was not normal because we didn’t really fight) and I was always the one going back to him saying I was sorry and I don’t want us to fight/argue. I’d invite him to meet my new friends at my new job and say let’s go out with them and he never wanted to. I made him my number 1 priority and I felt like I wasn’t his number 1 priority so ultimately, I panicked. I started thinking about the ‘what ifs in life.’ I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love me as much as I loved them. I didn’t want to feel this way and one day be married and bringing a child into this world. And you know, maybe he sincerely loved me the way I love him and maybe he did consider me his number one priority… but I never felt like I was and he never told me I was. So maybe there could’ve been some miscommunication but I felt like the cute little things he used to do (like write me sweet little notes here and there) stopped and the thoughtful non-materialistic ideas/gifts faded. Ultimately, I needed a break to find myself. Now, I get asked a lot ‘OMG… you were with someone for 6 years! 6 years! Why were you guys not married? How could you be with someone that long? You guys bought a house before marriage? Wait... you guys broke up? What were you all thinking?’ And to some of you right now, you may be thinking those are legitimate questions but the truth of the matter is when you consider someone your BEST friend and  you love them with all of your heart, you make crazy decisions like buying a house before you are married. Now many of my friends have given me grief over the whole house situation but the truth of the matter is… I don’t regret buying a house with my ex. Even after all the heartache I still don’t regret it because at the time it was one of the happiest decisions I had made. And so looking back, I will always have that experience and memory of being so excited to buy a house with someone I loved and the process of redesigning it and showing it off to my family/friends (I was on cloud nine).

       Today, I still struggle from time to time. He was my first love and to this day I still love him. It is hard feeling like you gave 120% to make something work and you just weren’t good enough. It’s hard for me to go to the Northland because I have so many memories of him/us. That’s where ‘our’ house is located and minor things here and there trigger memories of him and it’s a constant struggle for me. I’ve realized that maybe I don’t want to live in Missouri any longer. And maybe he is partially to blame because I do have so many memories. I’ve thought about signing up to go to Africa or some third world country and volunteering to make a difference or moving back home to California. Basically, start somewhere new that’s fresh. Who knows if that will happen, but there is nothing holding me back!

       Currently, I’m dating someone new. He is a great guy and thinks the world of me. He’s everything I could’ve ever hoped for… he’s the type of person I envisioned myself being with when I was a little girl and truth be told he actually reminds me a lot of my ex. If circumstances would’ve been different, they would’ve been great friends. I still have a roller coaster of emotions with my ex and the new guy gets to deal with all that. I know he has some doubts in the back of his mind (like… Kelsey, are you going to end this and go running back to your ex?) And that’s not fair to him but when you picture a life with someone and it all ends, it’s hard for that person to not have a hold on you (especially when you love them and were just really starting to build a life together). Thankfully, he is patient and understands and still wants to invest time even though he feels I could up and leave at any time.

       Everyone says you’re twenty’s ends up defining who you are as a person. I don’t know where I’m going, where I’ll be, or who I’ll be with in the future but my life experiences have defined who I am now and will continue to define who I will be in the future. Even though I’ve had my heart broken in millions of pieces…I’m not giving up. I’m slowly trying to put the pieces back together.

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’… or so they say.