'What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’

 

Hello Internet World!

       Today marks my first blog I’ve written EVER unless you include Xanga (which was way back in the day & I don’t really consider it Blogging). But anyways…as many of you know I’m not one to openly express feelings. I’m what you may call a confider and I like to bundle all my inner feelings. Sorry in advance if this blog has random things thrown in together. But a lot has happened in my life and I’ve started reflecting where I was, where I am, and where I may be one day.  I have many things in my life that make me extremely happy. I have a wonderful family, I graduated college, I have a good job, and some awesome friends but I always think about the ‘what ifs’ in life. As many of you know I recently got out of a six year relationship (well maybe not recently but it still feels like it just happened the other day since we were together so long). A few of my close friends know the specific details but basically when it happened it all seemed so surreal.  We lived together, bought a house together and I was pretty sold that he’d end up being ‘the one’. But how do we ever truly know if someone is ‘the one’ or not? I’ve always been a firm believer in if you want to make things work (regardless of the situation) you fight for it. And I have always and will continue to live by that philosophy. I feel like today, it is so easy to just let go/move on when things get tough. People today don’t really want to put in the time and effort into a relationship to make things work.

       So to start ‘MY’ story off I’d say my world was turned around when I met a guy in 2006 at Worlds of Fun (of all places, right?). We were complete opposites... I was heavily involved with sports and school whereas he was more involved in music/band/television shows. Funny thing is, he was my supervisor at the time and I didn’t pay any attention to him. He actually was one of the few supervisors that were there to train me at my first real job and at that time I would’ve never expected that he of all people would have such an impact on my life. To make the story short, he convinced everyone that we worked with to put in a good word for him and they exclaimed that I needed to give him a chance because he was a great guy. On the third or fourth time he asked me out, I finally decided to say ‘Yes’ and from then on out we were inseparable. We spent every weekend together that we could. On the weekends, I’d visit him at his parent’s place at the ‘Cave’ or so his brother called it. Once I graduated from college, all we could think about was living together and so we got an apartment a few weeks before I graduated. We were so happy and in love. We’d go grocery shopping together, cooked together (or well maybe I was the one that actually did the cooking and he did the dishes), we’d try to go on nightly walks, and we’d cuddle up and watch all our favorite TV shows together. Basically, we loved each other and were happy and decided we wanted to buy a house where we could eventually raise a family together. So, you readers, right now, may be thinking if everything was so great why did you guys break up?

Now I don’t want you to think we didn’t have our issues because we did just like every normal couple. We’d have our mini arguments here and there but things started to build and build and build.

       From my point of view, I started feeling like he couldn’t stick up for me when it involved his parents, his job already took priority over me, and we started arguing more once we bought the house (which was not normal because we didn’t really fight) and I was always the one going back to him saying I was sorry and I don’t want us to fight/argue. I’d invite him to meet my new friends at my new job and say let’s go out with them and he never wanted to. I made him my number 1 priority and I felt like I wasn’t his number 1 priority so ultimately, I panicked. I started thinking about the ‘what ifs in life.’ I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t love me as much as I loved them. I didn’t want to feel this way and one day be married and bringing a child into this world. And you know, maybe he sincerely loved me the way I love him and maybe he did consider me his number one priority… but I never felt like I was and he never told me I was. So maybe there could’ve been some miscommunication but I felt like the cute little things he used to do (like write me sweet little notes here and there) stopped and the thoughtful non-materialistic ideas/gifts faded. Ultimately, I needed a break to find myself. Now, I get asked a lot ‘OMG… you were with someone for 6 years! 6 years! Why were you guys not married? How could you be with someone that long? You guys bought a house before marriage? Wait... you guys broke up? What were you all thinking?’ And to some of you right now, you may be thinking those are legitimate questions but the truth of the matter is when you consider someone your BEST friend and  you love them with all of your heart, you make crazy decisions like buying a house before you are married. Now many of my friends have given me grief over the whole house situation but the truth of the matter is… I don’t regret buying a house with my ex. Even after all the heartache I still don’t regret it because at the time it was one of the happiest decisions I had made. And so looking back, I will always have that experience and memory of being so excited to buy a house with someone I loved and the process of redesigning it and showing it off to my family/friends (I was on cloud nine).

       Today, I still struggle from time to time. He was my first love and to this day I still love him. It is hard feeling like you gave 120% to make something work and you just weren’t good enough. It’s hard for me to go to the Northland because I have so many memories of him/us. That’s where ‘our’ house is located and minor things here and there trigger memories of him and it’s a constant struggle for me. I’ve realized that maybe I don’t want to live in Missouri any longer. And maybe he is partially to blame because I do have so many memories. I’ve thought about signing up to go to Africa or some third world country and volunteering to make a difference or moving back home to California. Basically, start somewhere new that’s fresh. Who knows if that will happen, but there is nothing holding me back!

       Currently, I’m dating someone new. He is a great guy and thinks the world of me. He’s everything I could’ve ever hoped for… he’s the type of person I envisioned myself being with when I was a little girl and truth be told he actually reminds me a lot of my ex. If circumstances would’ve been different, they would’ve been great friends. I still have a roller coaster of emotions with my ex and the new guy gets to deal with all that. I know he has some doubts in the back of his mind (like… Kelsey, are you going to end this and go running back to your ex?) And that’s not fair to him but when you picture a life with someone and it all ends, it’s hard for that person to not have a hold on you (especially when you love them and were just really starting to build a life together). Thankfully, he is patient and understands and still wants to invest time even though he feels I could up and leave at any time.

       Everyone says you’re twenty’s ends up defining who you are as a person. I don’t know where I’m going, where I’ll be, or who I’ll be with in the future but my life experiences have defined who I am now and will continue to define who I will be in the future. Even though I’ve had my heart broken in millions of pieces…I’m not giving up. I’m slowly trying to put the pieces back together.

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’… or so they say.